No matter how much you love someone, sometimes things just don’t work out the way we want them to and being apart is the best movement for growth for you both. Growth is such a beautiful feeling to experience though it is also the most challenging and discomforting situation to move through. The great duality at play in its fullest glory.
People, situations come into our lives for a purpose. Either to show a part of us that needs healing or a lesson to teach us how to be better the next time it comes around. We hold on the tightest to the people, things, situations that make us feel loved, comfortable and safe when what we really need is this feeling in ourselves. When this is lacking, our subconscious will force us to change, to create a shake-up that we need to realise what we really need in our life.
Feel the grief, do not suppress the hurt, cry it all out, heck! The song “Cry me a river” rings true here. There is a golden nugget of a lesson there for you. Feel it to release it and transmute it for energy that you direct towards love for yourself. Find the teaching, find its purpose, thank the experience and move through without resentment and instead meet it with GRATITUDE and LOVE.
Below lists healthy and unhealthy ways that I have observed in myself that helped and is helping with processing grief. By recognising them, it helps to ease the pain of the loss and also avoid self- sabotaging ways that creates the situation to repeat itself over and over until we learn our lesson.
Healthy ways to process grief:
Sound Healing – Of course, I hear you say. I am not saying it is for everyone but for me this has been my biggest tool to deal with unblocking, bringing things up to the surface to be felt and released. Got to always be mindful though of what we ask of, which is why setting your intentions is such a crucial part of working with the Sounds. Sitting in Sound baths, Drumming Circles, recently discovering Kirtan (chanting mantras), Voice and toning activation. All in my experience are really powerful ways to get you to open up and drop from your thinking mind to your feeling heart space.
Remember that it is okay for you to think about the good times that you had but to do so without romanticising them as a feeling that you can only have with that one person. A relationship is a two-way thing, all the good things are from both of you, we reflect each other when we are in a relationship.
Meditation – Sound healing is one of the ways to reach a meditative state but I also believe in the Buddhist meditation practice. Meditation helps with bringing attention to your breath, to your present moment and help you ground into your body. I attend the West London Buddhist Centre, they offer various meditation workshops throughout the week, online and at the centre.
Practice Yoga – Yoga, spirituality, Sound Healing all go complimentary to each other. Yoga is a great practice to have to bring attention to your body and to your breath. It can highlight places in your body where you need to release tension and open you up to receive positive energies. I have been lucky to have a friend who practices and teaches Yoga with great passion and love. My friend Caroline at Yin Yang Yoga.
Movement – create movement in your body that makes you feel good. I’m not talking about spending hours in the gym (though if this is what works for you, go for it), pushing yourself and self-criticising what you do or comparing with others. I am talking about creating movement that feel fun for your soul. Whether that is something that you use to do as a child or something that just makes you smile and lights you up inside. For me, it has been dancing and roller blading. I dance to all forms of music, rhythm and beats that allows me to flow. I love going to Bar Salsa in Soho. The people there are always friendly and the group dancing always brings an enormous smile to my face.
Do not be afraid to spend time with yourself, like really spend time with yourself. Understand what you really like to do, what you really enjoy and what you have yet to discover – whether that is an activity, places, maybe a new course, whatever that looks like for you because this is different for everybody. I found “Meetup.com” to be a great source of different, usual/unusual ways of finding things that you can do and finding a community to do it with.
Spending time appreciating the people that are around you that support you, love you and care for you. We overlook sometimes the people that are closest to us or we can sometimes take out our frustrations and feelings of hurt. They are here, they are supporting you in the best way that they know how to. No matter how they are showing up, appreciate the fact that they are “showing up for you”.
I recently found my love for running, connecting with my breath and how my body feels. Also, one of things that I found to be a great way to reaffirm and rewire my thought processes is chanting self-mantra as I am running. Saying it out aloud to myself, imbeds the thought into our minds. My mantra was “I do not need to rely on any man or anyone or anything to make me feel loved, I love myself, I will not abandon my little me, my little child, I have you, I will always be with you”.
Oooh this one was extra fun for me – Making a music playlist. Make it a playlist that tells a story. Choose positive reinforcement that supports empowering you and avoids negative attachment. But also, choose songs that elicit the feeling of grief, so that you can embody it and allow you to grieve and at the same time choose songs that gives you a reminder of how you want to feel when you are in a relationship with somebody that sees your worth.
Wish the other person well and mean it, do not blame them for the loss of the relationship. We are all on a journey of self-discovery, people come into realisation of what they need in different times. It is only a matter of misalignment. People, situations, things that are for us will remain, if it leaves and it is truly for us, it will always come back around.
Remember the cool new things that you learned and shared with each other. They are now your new and cool things that you do for you.
Eat well – do not be fooled by what we see in movies of eating a tub of ice cream as a really cool way to deal with grieving but also please don’t punish yourself for it. Though, I may add that sugar will eat away at your gut microbiome. Our gut is interlinked with our heart and our brain. When our gut is clouded with destructive bacteria, it can contribute to unsettling our nervous system and cloud our mood and thinking. Eat well, drink well, be moderate in your consumption of processed sugar and alcohol. I have recently found myself taking a fermented symbiotic supplement and eating a lot of cabbage soup for nourishment of the gut.
One of the overlooked ways of having a clear mind is by having good quality sleep. The time we go to sleep is not necessarily the negating factors, but more what we do before we go to sleep. Our mind sorts and accumulates what goes into our long term storage during sleep. Being mindful of what we do before bedtime (how much screentime for example), what we input into our minds, ending our day with thoughts of gratitude - all these can help set us up for the next day. Get a good quality night sleep.
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