Self love work can be a bitch. It’s not just about taking yourself for a facial or day out shopping to pamper yourself. Oh how I wish it was that easy! Oh no! It goes much deeper than that my friend.
It means peeling off beliefs that you’ve been taught throughout your life (and perhaps even from beyond your grandparents) of how love should look like. Learning that the feeling of being loved does not come from outside of you but is sourced first from within – that is why it is called “SELF” love.
It is such a tricky thing to learn. If we put ourselves first instead of our children, our family, our friends, we are seen as being selfish. And yet, if we overgive, overshare – we get resentful, snappy and combative. Then, we are labelled as a horrible parent/person.
What is the balance? I do not actually know the right balance to this and I think that the tipping point is different for each person depending on learning their own attachment style, cultural and upbringing beliefs and our Human design.
For myself, someone who has an anxious attachment, an inner authority governed by my emotions (solar plexus) and have a fear of abandonment and fear of not being enough. I share my own self-love practice in hope that there is something in there that helps and support you. They are not chronological in order, they all equally form as a whole.
Our social and love circles
Understanding that not everyone is going to be my friend or that every man I have a romantic relationship with will be “The one” (though I always hope). My natural go to is to do all I can to be liked or to be loved, a way to control my outside stimulus so that my fear does not materialise. Of course, the effect is absolutely the other way, what we chase only tries to slip through our fingers. My self-love practice is to accept that there are people who get me and people that don’t. People that just love you for you, just because they do. At the same time, I also need to be firm in my belief that I am worthy of receiving unconditional love, because I am, we all are, though that needs to come from within first. Everything starts and ends with YOU.
Our communication
When I am being asked for a favour, before
I answer, I’ll ask myself first “Do I have time for this? Am I saying yes because I’d feel guilty if I don’t? Am I saying yes to please or because I want them to like me/love me?” If the answer, is yes to any of this, I will delicately say no, without trying to overshare as to why and try to validate my own response.
Living in a digital world
The digital world is a great evolution for mankind but it can also take over our ability to be present in the moment and build on our feeling of anxiety. It has become a part of us, we have apps for everything and I feel like we have become so reliant on it. I had a real anxiousness of receiving messages from my ex-partner and I meant HUGE anxiousness. I still do not know the answer to this. Though one of the things I do for myself is to leave my phone at home when I take myself out for a run or a walk. When I get home, I leave my phone at the front door, so as I am not attached to it. At least this way I know where it is and I have control of when I check it. When I leave my phone at home, I feel unplugged, unhurried and everything is enjoyed at that moment.
What we eat
I feel that we sometimes underestimate that what we eat has the ability to impact our thinking and our emotions. Being someone who relies on their gut instincts, I have to be mindful that there is nothing overlaying on top of it, one that is shouting louder and confuse it as my gut reaction. Our gut, heart and brain are interlinked by the Vagus nerve, which controls our nervous system. This is scientifically true peeps! So to self love, I make a conscious choice to eat food that won’t cloud my judgement or heighten my emotions. Less processed sugar, more fibre and plants and seeds. Ashwaganda, moringa, chia and hemp seeds are part of my morning boost me up. Coconut yogurt, engevita flakes to help kick in some healthy gut bacteria! Ooh and let’s not forget cabbage, I have really been giving cabbage a lot of love these days. Do not get me wrong, I am not impervious to that double chocolate cookie or those sweets, though I am more conscious of how much of it I consume and when it becomes more like a crutch or an addiction.
All emotions are Welcome
Understanding that I will not always get it right, that we are allowed to get things wrong, it is part of our learning process, that I will have off days, low mood days, times when my old wounds will be scratched days, times when my anxieties will rear up and smack me in the face days, times when I feel so freakin’ aligned, grounded, playful days. These won’t even be feelings that will last the whole day, it could be all of above in one day. Self love is about accepting each emotions, validating them, being compassionate and curious as to why I feel a certain way. Not judging myself too harshly. We can all be too quick to throw criticism and throw shame at ourself. All emotions are valid.
Movement
Our body needs movement, it doesn’t have to be anything grand, it could be something as simple as going out for a walk in the park, the woods, a quick 15 times full blown burpees, a quick all body moving dance in your kitchen, whilst waiting for that cupcake to bake. No matter how that looks like for you, make sure it serves to quicken your breath and that you are enjoying it and not seeing it as a chore. This works so well in getting us unstuck to a particular thought process or reaffirming a mantra in your head.
Simply being
Stillness in the mind. A lot happens ALWAYS in our minds. It needs to have a break every now and then. And a break doesn’t mean we stop thinking, I mean a break from being the protagonist in your thoughts and being the observer instead. There are many forms of meditation that you can use as a tool. For me, I have found drumming, sound meditation, seven fold puja meditation practice and Kirtan chanting as a way to create space in my mind.
I’d probably add to this as I go along, but for now, those are my self love practice. I hope there is at least one in there that you could integrate for yourself.
With grit, gratitude and heart,
Cherlyn
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