Discovering Human Design has been quite a helpful tool for me to understand my inner workings. As a person driven by my Solar Plexus, it is a hard lesson when being reminded of letting my emotions settle before making any movement or firm decisions – at least 24 hours or sleeping on it. Because of this, I lost a person that I was seeing at the time and another person whom I considered a good friend by letting my emotions rule me. I lost a partner that gave me freedom to be me in a safe space to express ourselves and lost a friendship that supported me in what I believe in and gave me a different perspective. It is a deep regret for me and a hard lesson to always remember “Never make a decision when my emotions are high”. There are some who can form decisions based on their gut feeling, which I am able to do, though only after stillness has ensured first. This coupled by having an anxious attachment (read up “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine & Rachel S.F.Heller M.A.) the two coupled together can be a deathly mix of an unhealthy emotions and feeling of lack of self-love and worth.
I saw where in the downfall of my relationships was a part that I played. Being a great believer of building a conscious relationship, I still missed the parts that I was unconscious of. Thinking that by talking about what was going on in the surface was conscious enough, though not really delving deep into the why or feeling uncomfortable to do so. Or really questioning the need for space and independence away from each other. I ran away at the first sight of this, because my anxious attachment was feeling threatened and wanted to protect myself from the hurt, though I realised I was unconsciously hoping that he would come and chase me and tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Though each time we got back together and broke up and back again, I was pushing him further and further away from me. In thinking that I was doing the right thing by trying to control the situation or keep placing an attachment to its outcome that in the end I lost the relationship altogether.
Robin - Photo taken by Majekphoto
I wish that I had told him then that I was scared, I was fearful of losing him to his work as I found it as competition for attention, that I didn’t see myself as enough to give him all that he needs. I was running away because my anxious self, wanted to be shown reassurance by him making grandeur gestures, but of course, that was unrealistic and ideals of the modern society, media, movies, romanticised books that I read in my teenage years – that we have all been brought up and fed with. Underneath of it all, I just wanted to feel loved, feel like a priority, feel like I was important, feel safe. But planting someone else to provide this for me was never going to work. Yes, a relationship should be a vessel to explore this, and yes our relationship allowed space for intimacy without judgement though it was a reminder that I needed to do the work to provide this for myself. Learning to parent myself in this way because I was never got shown it when I was younger. To be my own mother and my own father. To calm myself and my emotions down, to self-regulate when I feel the urge to bulk and run away. It is unfortunately a lesson learned after the horse have bolted and sadly a loved one lost. During this period, I have been doing somatic therapy with my mentor Melanie Tomsett, like that of Sound Therapy, it helps me release the emotions that my body has held from past traumas to be fully felt and let go of.
Blue Moon - 23rd August 2023 - Photo taken by Majekphoto
And so in the death of all this, I still have a glimmer of hope, not that of my old self coming back but that of a new person emerging from this experience. Although, there is grief for my lost relationship, I am still so grateful for the lesson, because it has taught me the importance of giving myself the freedom to spend time on my own because doing so brings me true happiness within myself. And as one of my wise friends lovingly mentioned to me, knowing that “There is no one like me, and therefore no one can replace me” saying this almost as a mantra to myself when I am feeling insecure or anxious helps to bring stillness in my mind, regroup and touch base with my body and stay put. My path ahead of me is unwritten, though I do know that I have intentions of a future me that is safe and secure in her own love. With this knowledge, I can hold myself in compassion by being present and conscious of it in the now and understanding of how to self-regulate my tendency to balk – this I can control.
With love, play and gratitude,
Cherlyn
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