Since my divorce some nearly three years ago, I have been living with my mum. The times have been challenging to say the least and leaving home at the age of 17 only to be living with her back again in my forties has been a very tough pill to swallow.
I thought I had let go of my resentment for not having a mother that was present and able to give me emotional stable connection and protection. But I had started to slowly realise how my actions or rather like my reactions towards her was at times in anger or not really listening to who she is now as a person. I had not realised that she too has been doing the shadow work in her own way. I needed to let go of who my mum was before and to start taking accountability that I can now parent my own self. I realised that I blocked myself from seeing how my mother is a woman who puts her children first, who worries how their future will look like, who loves spending time with her grandsons and gets triggered when we are treated the way she was treated in her past. She comes with her own set of traumas and hurt from the past that is very challenging to forget and rewire.
Learing to parent our inner child is a process
It was also quite a shocking realisation that it wasn’t the case that my family didn’t understand me or that I thought that their opinion of me was that “I’ve gone cuckoo”. But it was because I did not let them in on what I was coming back in myself to, so that I can understand myself better. I had shut myself up, fearing the rejection and shame. Though what I really needed to do was to face this, show up and do not hide from any shame.
I had to or rather I have to start creating a relationship with my mother that was not based on resentment of our past or blame and start living with heart for what the time that we have now and the future that we will be walking together. Only with this could we have the freedom to be present in the moment.
With love, play and gratitude,
Cherlyn
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